Unheard Voices
Fulfillment in traditional, religous, family life
Click on Archives: Dec 2005/Jan 2006 to see the contents of this month’s paper.
By Geoff Bederson
I met Bhavani when she first arrived in Alaska, directly from the opposite side of Earth and the opposite culture of humanity. From the beginning I noticed that she was peaceful, humble, thoughtful, and gentle, and I couldn’t understand this. Here we are trained to breathlessly pursue goals that are out of reach. It is a struggle to return to simple truths, like those which Bhavani brought here, and which she carries along with her to this day.
Bhavani: I grew up in a city in Southern India. It was a traditional, disciplined life. There is a tradition or custom for everything. For instance, there is an elaborate ceremony for naming children, which is marked by chanting of songs and singing of hymns.
In all things the family will teach you: don’t do this, or do these things. Don’t choose bad things. You should not lie about anything, you should tell the truth.
Family is important to me because everything starts from the family. The family has to have strong principles, like a housewife being disciplined. The family is the foundation of our society. If the family is strong, the society will be good.
I am still doing that. We are following all of our traditions. The traditional life is good.
Now that you have been living here for seven years, what do you think of the traditional life you led, growing up in India?
It felt safe. We prayed at home, and went to temple and prayed to God everyday. We have a lot of temples in India. We walk there in the morning, it’s just ten minutes away. During festivals we go in the evenings, because in the mornings we’ll be praying at home. Every time our family was together.
I am a Brahmin, the highest caste. We had certain privileges. Some castes can’t even go to the temple. But I believe that every caste should be able to do the same thing. I don’t like that some have more privileges. This is changing in India now. In America everyone is the same. That is something I like. Everyone should be the same.
An American teenager would be rebellious, seeking freedom. Were you like that?
No. I was happy, then and now.
Sometimes we went to films. We’d listen to music on the radio, old religious Tamil songs. We didn’t listen to popular music.. My friends were also traditional.
With all your love for that life, why would you choose to come to America?
I was twenty-two when I got married. In India parents choose the husband and wife, and make a match with the horoscope. When there is a good match, they will go further and talk. When I told this to some of my American friends they were surprised and asked me, “ you married a guy you have never met before?”
I didn’t have the dream of coming to America. Because I got married, and my husband worked here, I had to come here with him. I thought it was good, because a lot of people said that America was good. I was glad to have the chance to visit America.
I have two children. I came to America right after my marriage, and my son was born here.
What was your first impression when you came to Alaska?
It was so cold, but I liked the snow. I was so excited to see this place. The people were so nice here, friendly, they say hi. They’re friendly on the streets, but when you are in your home nobody will talk to you. When you come inside, that’s it.
It’s not like that in India. In India people don’t say hi until you get to know them. But we will stay and talk with the neighbors in our homes. We talk with each other everyday. I like that very much.
Transportation and roads are much better here. In India it’s not like that. The bicycles, auto-rickshaws - everything is going on the same road. There is no lane discipline like we have here.
Now that you’ve been here seven years, what is your impression of American culture?
There is quite a lot of spiritual life here. The thing I like most about America is that people believe in God. It doesn’t matter what God they believe in. I see lots of churches here. Just as all rivers meet in the ocean, so do all religions lead to one God.
American culture is totally different from Indian culture, mainly in family values. Here many teenagers are on their own, they have to make do by themselves, they have to work. There are single moms, single dads. People will get married, and in a couple of years they will get divorced. This affects the kids life. We have more family values in India. That’s the part I don’t like about the U.S.
Family values in the U.S. have to improve a lot. There is a lot of smoking and drugs. The kids will be spoiled because of this. Everybody has some problems, a lot of problems. If they had family values, they could avoid those things.
I miss my home country a lot. India is very rich in its customs and traditions, right from birth to death. I miss that here.
We don’t have much tradition here, but does this mean that we have more freedom?
My own life is the same as it was in India. Since we have a temple and a small Indian community, we gather together and celebrate some of our festivals here in Anchorage.
Here there is freedom of speech. People can do whatever they like within the law. Back in India you cannot say what you want. There will be a political problem. Even if the law permits it, sometimes you cannot do it in India.
But too much freedom is dangerous. For instance, a child can call the police on his or her parents. I feel like parents’ hands are tied here. In India children don’t have much choice. Children should be obedient, and mine will be. I don’t like it when children are not. Even after they get married, the woman has to listen to the husband, as he is older and has more experience in life than the woman. This is good. In India it is much more difficult to get a divorce, especially for a woman. The divorce culture in India makes it the most unique country in the world.
A lot of Americans are tortured because of the feeling they need something they don’t have. But you seem very peaceful. Are you restless?
No. So far I am not like that. I have a good husband, I have good kids. I am peaceful, because I have everything. An Indian women will only chose on the basis of these things. They will pray to God, for a good husband, that is the main thing.
So far I don’t have any difficult challenges. My life is normal, it’s easy. As you think, so it will be. If you have respect for older people, if you take care of them as they get old, your sons and daughters will do the same thing to you as you get older. Your life will be very easy. It depends on how you look at it.
What is the goal in your life?
I was studying, but after that I got married and came here. My personal goal is to be a good wife, and a good mom for my kids, and to have a good education for them. I want to take care of my parents and parents-in-law.
I want to be a good person. Good means disciplined, moral, truthful, courageous - and humble.
I want to go back to India. We have to tell them when we are going out, we will ask permission of my mother or father-in-law. I am not afraid of losing my freedom.
I want to raise my kids in India. They will go back to India, in order to learn their culture and traditional life. I will have freedom over there, too.
